Numb

I told a friend today that I just found out someone is pregnant. And that my sister and sister-in-law both plan to stop BCP this year to conceive. I asked if she could pray that more hugs from above would be sent my way today than normal.

My friend told me that maybe my faith wasn't strong enough or maybe I hadn't totally given it up to YHWH in that I would be content with HIS answer either way. I know I have been praying about this for almost 5 years now, and in that time I haven't turned away from YHWH...so I don't know why she is saying this.

Then she said I need to avoid weblogs...but I can do that, but I can't avoid my family.

Then she said the LORD wants me to just do nothing and wait for HIM to change my husband. That it is my husband who is standing in the way. I don't see why YHWH would make me go through so much pain on behalf of someone else.

If it's true that the LORD has a surprise in store and so is just trying not to burst and spill the beans...this is torture. I am 28 years old...do I have to be 35+ to have more kids? I mean that is when they say the eggs may not be as viable and then you have to consider down's and such...I desire healthy children while I am young enough to keep up with them.

I told my friend I guess I just need to eat nothing but meat and veggies and drink only water. She said to tell the LORD I need a Word from HIM and believe and accept it. Well the Word opened to Luke 9:1-11

My friend said it sounded just as she was told...take no equipment, so stop these supplements and special diets....I responded that I hadn't been totally faithful in trying to follow them.

But what I got out of that was to shake the dust off my feet at "friends" who can't just say they'll pray for me and offer helpful tips on any things that may work.

I also have for about a year now prayed and asked that the desire for more to be taken from me. I know that if I either didn't have the desire or if I were regular and capable of conceiving, then these types of announcements would not bother me.

Again all I was asking for was prayer not a lecture. It's easy for her, she just had child #6....

Then she compared my hearts desire with her wanting her DH to get saved and how she would go to church and see a couple where the husband was just like her's and she would get jealous and not be able to be around them...but then after 4 years of her trying to do whatever it took to keep their marriage together, she finally listened to the LORD telling her to get out of the way, to leave. So she did...and withing1-2 months while they were seperated and of her thanking the LORD and picturing her DH in church beside her, he did get saved.

She's also in the past compared this to her not being willing to listen to the LORD's leading to homeschool her kids and even now is comparing this ache with her wanting a house....

Not being able to conceive children is a loss of sorts. A house is a material possession. When it comes to homeschooling, I and all she knows has been telling her for years we do and love it and even her DH wanted her to do it...and with her spouse yes good news but she knew sooner than the 4 years it took that HE wanted her to step aside and yet she chose not to.

I read about others answers to prayers and they all seem to be answered pretty quickly, but they aren't ones dealing with secondary infertility for almost 5 years.

She was telling me in regards to my DH saying that if we ever did have another baby, he would get the snip-snip, that children soften a husband's heart and makes them want more...ok then so if it's is my DH's heart that needs to be in the right place regarding our having more children...bring on the babies and soften his heart...

Do you see why at time I want to shake the dust off my feet at certain people?
I have heard all the following:
Pray harder
believe
be thankful and speak into existance what you desire
can't you just be thankful for the one child you have
just adopt and then you'll have more children
Just give it/suck it up and move on with your life.

I am sick of "well" inentioned words from people who have no idea what I am going through.

So therefore 99% of the time, I have to pretend to be happy and that all is well, after all no one wants to hear me complain/pour out my heart/cry my eyes out...not even my spouse. He has all the time in the world to talk about new vehicles, motorcycles, laptops, cell phones, drumsets, big screen tv's, in other words Stuff..but when I mention conception or adoption - he gets mad and either wants to stop talking or change the subject. In fact it has been over a week since I requested info on the adoption information meeting coming up in 2 weeks now and I still have not received my packet nor have DH and I talked about it since.

And on days like today, DH just says geez what's wrong with you...and I have to say nothing or make up some excuse because trust me he doesn't want to talk about it. So if babies/children would soften his heart...I say bring them on..NOW.

My friend says what if you don't have more cuz the LORD knows it would lead to a divorce or something...I say so what, there are worse things than being a single mom. I also don't see my DH leaving me...he doesn't seem the type...sometimes he can be "mean" but I don't see him leaving. He can't even go an hour away without calling every hour...and saying how much he hates being that "far" away from us. So I know more children would just be more love to go around.

thanks for reading/praying/listening/caring